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Mark was the married playboy with aches and pains. He was too interesting as a friend that I didn't want to formalize our relationship by his becoming my patient. From a little pain here to a little lump there on his penis after some demanding coitus, I guess, Mark always had a strange reason to consult me for a condition that could not be easily explained. At times, his pain was real as when he had wrist motion pain due to DeQuervain tenosynovitis, pain of the wrist that is aggravated by ulnar deviation of the hand such as by turning a doorknob. Once he developed prostatalgia (prostatodynia) due to anxiety that did not require antibiotics. He insisted on my prescribing him an antibiotic for his perceived "prostatitis" but I refused. Instead, I referred him to a urologist who readily prescribed him Bactrim DS (sulfa drug) twice a day for one month with two refills. When he started taking the antibiotic, he came to tell me on how the urologist had found an organic condition, "prostatitis," for his urinary symptoms. That day he was quite happy because the urologist had also remarked, after the prostate exam, that he was "the man" with a large penis. That comment had made his day. I told Mark that the urologist said that to all his male patients. I added that penile size is inconsequential and has nothing to do with maleness and that the best female lovers, lesbians, do not have a penis. After a few days of taking Bactrim, his skin turned to dark and blistered which caused him great anxiety. He had experienced a severe reaction to an antibiotic he did not need. During that time, the conflict was that he had a mistress and feared that his professor wife might call at any time from his native country and find out about his affair and thus jeopardize his "formal family." Whenever his phone rung, he'd rush to answer it. Another time he kept consulting me for a little pain over his back. He'd grab my hand for me to touch exactly where he was hurting. He seemed to have enjoyed my maleness whenever I touched his back, many heterosexual males do, but I'd act as if I don't noticed it. It turned out this time that he had impregnated a woman and he was begging her to terminate the pregnancy but she'd kept refusing. After he paid the woman $8,000, she had a therapeutic abortion. He dumped her after the procedure. The woman claimed to have become severely depressed after his dumping her and threatened to commit suicide by standing over Los Angeles freeways and threatening to jump to her death. She'd call him at odd hours of night and would say, "I'm about t o kill myself by jumping onto the freeway." Mark had insomnia, big time until one night he told the woman, "go ahead and kill yourself." She never did. Surreptitiously, he later moved in with another woman and began dating the woman next door as well. The two women confronted each other at the apartment's laundry room and had a big fight over him. Mark had to flee to safety to a new apartment and was loveless and lonely for a while. I had to help him lick his wounds, as he acted so "innocent." For some reason Mark felt that he needed to have it up for hours, so it seemed and liked taking Viagra. At first, his new sexual partners acted as if it was a big deal that he could get it on for so long but once the relationship matured the women would beg for a shorter coital session. I had to intervene a few times as the women developed pelvic pain and vaginitis from excessive intercourse. I think that if Mark had been a woman, he would have prostituted himself at no charge at some army base and would simply say, "Bring it home, the penis, boys." Mark's sexual appetite was unusual. He had the Jennifer Lopez syndrome and liked women with big buttocks. Once he made me watch a Jennifer Lopez movie where her buttocks were quite demonstrable. Drooling as a boy at a candy store for the first time, he'd watch J-Lo's buttocks, Mark once asked me, big-eyed and aroused, "You as a doctor can tell me how Jennifer Lopez keeps her buttocks up. Does she use some type of support system or what would happen if she drastically lost weight?" He was certainly a buttocks man. Once he met one of my female friends and called me to ask me if he could date her. When I said he could feel free to date her, he commented, "but she's your property." I corrected him and said that no woman is a man's property. I used to dread returning his calls because as soon as we talked he wanted us to meet for lunch for small talk that eased his chronic anxiety. Mark returned to his native country and now lives with his "formal" wife. Recently he called me to tell me that he was about to undergo urethral-cytoscopy and that he would consult me if any surgery were recommended. He truly fears losing his maleness by not being able to "get it up" be it day or night with any woman except his wife.
Luis Lomeli, M.D./Beta
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